My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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