I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
