the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
