areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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