just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
