just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
