apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
