So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
