FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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