Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Randomize
