I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
