i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
