I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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