I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
there is puke in my bra ... again
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