I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
