She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
