What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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