If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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