Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Randomize
