the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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