I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
