With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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