The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
