There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
