So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Even my vagina gasped.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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