he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
