we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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