Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
