Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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