Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
