none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
