wanna go halves on a baby?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Randomize
