Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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