Will you blow on my dice?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
