so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
