Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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