Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
