dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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