there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
