sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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