I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
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I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
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Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
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