I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
