So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
