TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
