Fine. I'll sleep in my office
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
