some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
only if we run a train.
done.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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