If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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