Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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