I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
