Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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