My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
