So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
