I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
