Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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