Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
