It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
