sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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