i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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