Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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