batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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