My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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