tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
